Sunday, November 20, 2011


I know that I have a major issue maintaining healthy relationships with friends, family, and men. And most times, I sabotage those relationships by expecting too much too soon and by making assumptions based on past relationships. I think the hardest thing I had to learn was that everyone is not meant to be in your life or they may have just came into your life to teach you a lesson. By constantly learning these "lessons," I've began to ingrain in my mind that I don't want to ever go through what I have gone through before. So I don't give people a chance, I cut people's spans in my life short, and I assume the task of getting over another hurt.

I don't want to live like this anymore. As I approach adulthood, I accept responsibility for all of my actions, all of the mistakes I have made, and I don't mind admitting my wrong and giving those apologies. I just feel like I don't know how to grow with someone. I am not sure if I will ever really be able to trust again. I hate that I can't let go enough of the past to let some people who I really miss have a chance to come back in.

I just sometimes feel I have no more love left, no more patience, and no more time. I love really hard and I like to be there for those I care about. So when they hurt me, I feel like a piece of me was taken away. When I hurt them, or it is my fault, or they say it is my fault, I die a little inside. We all want someone to like and accept us as we are. And someone that doesn't know themselves or doesn't have a strong relationship with a higher power, dealing with people will get you every time. You want the impossible: You want imperfect people to be perfect.

I  say all of this to say, I am not ready yet. I thought I was ready to move on, build relationships, start fresh, and keep trying to love past the pain. While trying to do this, I have been masking the pain. I haven't really addressed my real issues with myself and the past. I need to face my fears of trusting and loving and learn how to do that God's way. I have to accept a failed attempt as motivation to do better next time rather than an opportunity to run and hide. I made the first step of forgiveness but now I have to make the step of realization. I want to change my life. I want to love again.