Wednesday, January 8, 2014


Hey Guys! Can I be real with you all? I feel that if you read this blog, you have earned the right to know my truths. Have you ever felt like you don't recognize anyone around you, even yourself? That's how I've been feeling lately. The only thing that hasn't changed is Christ, his goodness. The one thing that is getting better is my relationship with him. Thankfully. Things aren't worst, just different. Things are changing and shifting but I am trying to grasp and hold on to how things used to be. Or more so how I want them to be. I really want to move forward, and I am. You guys see me blogging more and I have released The Elisa Show, and I got much more coming. But I am doing all this out God's strength in me. I am floating above myself looking at my life's routine like it is an out-of-body experience. I feel like I haven't felt any real emotions since my grandpa passed away. Like every emotion since then has been one I felt before and as a result, it is not important to dwell on. I've never experienced the pain of losing someone until my grandpa passed away. And while everything was going on, I felt like I wasn't given the time to adequately feel the emotions and to let them out. So since then I haven't really felt anything. Desire, jealousy, joy, anger, passion, sadness, greed, love... they have all passed by here but I don't give them too much attention.They just don't have any merit to stand up against the unknown. Especially if I've experienced these feelings before in similar scenarios. Now, yes I could write a soft, whimsical, thoughtful post, but that would not be realistic. I am Christian, I love the Lord, I pray everyday, I try to read my bible everyday, I am faithful in my church, I am abstinent, all because I want to and it feels good to finally be sure about that part of my life. But finding Elisa has been rough. It took me long time to like myself as I was. And as soon as I get comfortable, God says, "I have to show you some things about yourself that you are going to have to change." He is showing me everything I've accepted or tucked away. So since I don't want to feel all the cutting and removing of these layers, I've been acting like a robot. Because the change is going to come whether I want it to or not; that's just apart of your walk with Him when you decide to go all in. So I am seeing everything on the surface and then drilling down on all the pieces. Every time I do something wrong, I am instantly convicted in my spirit. My mind feels like a computer and the days just run away from me. I am seeing people for who they really are and they aren't recognizing who I am.

I say all this to say: WE CAN'T BE PERFECT. Loving Christ will break you, change you, build you up, and give you peace. But it won't be perfect. You won't feel perfect all the time. As believers, I feel we sometimes give false hopes. I now know why I haven't had any successful romantic relationships. I couldn't even have a real relationship with Christ. I had him all twisted. My love for him was conditional and based on rules. If I follow the rules, you will do this for me. If I don't,  then I understand the consequences. They should get what they deserve for what they did to me and I will be victorious because I was right. But as soon as I began to have nothing and I was following all of the rules and justice wasn't being served to my enemies, I turned my back on him. How selfish is it for me to conditionally love someone who loves me unconditionally? It was selfish but it is easy to be selfish when you don't know someone. You just know what God can do for you but you don't take the time to read and learn about all he did for you. How he died for you. You don't talk to him and allow him to actually influence your mind and heart. You are just with Him out of convenience. You know how most of us do, girls. "He a baller! I can get me some new Jays, my gold X and O set, and I'm good. If he don't, he ain't getting none. If he get the Jays, I may break him off a lil somethin." Sound familiar?! We can't buy Christ's love, so he is not going to try to sell and convince you. He has already proven it all and left it on the cross. You have to be ride-or-die for Christ's love. When you balling and when the checks aren't coming. When you're happy and when you're sad. When you are sure and when you are confused. All day, everyday, no matter what. You're not going to feel like being bothered some days and some days you will be so head over heels. But I promise you, when you look up and everyone and everything begins to look unfamiliar, Christ will be the realest thing in the room. SMOOCHES XOXO

Get to know Christ for yourself.

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