Thursday, March 13, 2014


Romans 8:24-25 NLT  We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don't need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)

Hello All! I've missed you. But today I've come with my tail between my legs, for lack of a better analogy. My name is Elisa and I am an emotional soultie-er. I get too emotionally involved and/or emotional attached to people, mainly men (I have had the same problem in friendships also), that God doesn't want me to. I am so blinded by what I think I want, that I ignore all of God's warnings. And then when I finally realize it, God has to break the soultie, which causes me even more pain. A soultie is a spiritual intertwining of souls which can occur during moments of vulnerability between two people. Now, I am embarassed and I feel stupid. But I felt led to write this post because I know other girls are going, have gone, and will go through this.

I recently really liked a guy but I just realized he didn't like me. There were a few glimmers of hope or instances in which I thought it was mutual. But it was mostly me pursuing him (mistake) and me putting forth effort. This has happened to me before when I was not living for Christ. I failed the test of the lesson I was suppose to learn. I feel like this has happened again because Christ really wants me to pass this test. So for the sake of jumping back and forth, Guy A will be the guy from my past of whom I failed the first test. Guy B will be my present test I need to evaluate so that I can pass this test.

Like Guy A, I really like Guy B. They were nice to me, showed a just little bit of interest but that was enough for me. Guy A, back then, had everything I wanted in a man, but I know he wasn't what God wanted. He was FINE. He had swag for days. He had a car. I knew we would have cute babies. But most of all he liked me and he thought I was pretty, for a moment. He could smell good girl all over me and he became very hesitant to move forward with me (I thank God for that now). He wasn't what God wanted for me because he wasn't saved, he drank, and smoked. I knew he wasn't exactly what God wanted but, I just held out hope because he was what I wanted. Guy B was also very nice to me and he too showed a bit of interest, but I think he smelled desperation on me and he grew hesitant. He was what I wanted because he loves God, he was patient, very nice, and cute. I could see his purpose and I saw ways in which he could help me come into my purpose (which is wrong and backwards; Christ has to give me my purpose before he can align it with someone else's purpose).  However, I also realized early on that he may not be what God has for me. God gave me specific instructions that the man who would be my husband would be close to my age (Guy B wasn't; this is still hard for me understand because I am very mature for my age and men seem not to mature as quickly as women. I've always liked and had more in common with older guys). God also said that the man who would be my husband would actively pursue me as he does Jesus Christ (Guy B didn't; he was always so busy, so he said).

So I failed the test with Guy A because when I realized God was removing him, I just wouldn't let the Lord break the soultie. Every time a guy would leave my life, my thoughts would go back to him. When I was upset about being alone, I would annihilate his character. And then in the same breath, I would miss him and want to be around him. I would think of any reason to call him and stay in contact with him. I reached out to him multiple times and I can count on my fingers the amount of times he reached out to me. I constantly checked his social media to see what was going on in his life. Instead of drawing closer to Christ, I tried to look for Guy A to fill these voids. I kept this soultie going for years only to end it recently. It began to die as my love for Christ grew. It was obliterated when I saw him post on his facebook status (he never posts anything on facebook or overly shares) that he was now in a relationship. It finally clicked: He was never my Adam.

Guy B was slightly different but really the same (I am now growing in my walk with Christ during this time). So when Guy B out the gate showed me he wasn't interested (I got stood up for an outing; don't even know if I can call it a date because I initated it. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.), I was hurt, I was confused, but I fell back. I didn't want to keep pushing towards someone who wasn't interested but was (makes no sense then and makes no sense now). So fast forward, he came back into my life, we began to click, and just understand each other (first time I've experienced conversational lush; yes, it is real). But then all of sudden when things were getting better and he was reaching out more, he abruptly stopped communicating. Now, I really wanted  to go back to my old ways but I couldn't do it. Instead of kicking into Inspector Gadget mode, stalking and hunting him down, I fell  back slowly. I would contact him only if I really felt like it was on my heart to contact him. If he was short, I was short. I tried to just take his hints. I didn't check on his social media. I just prayed for him and prayed for the Lord to remove him from my heart. However, all the while deep down, I still wanted him to like me as I liked him. I wanted him to be the one because I know my Adam is near and he has to be the one because no one else is showing any fruit on their tree and no one else is even remotely interested from what I can tell. He has to be it... right God? I thought maybe he just really is too busy. Maybe he's scared of something. Maybe I just need to wait a little longer. But then the Lord said stop contacting him all together and I listened. I just began to take everything in prayer. Fast forward to my church's week of prayer last week. I felt utterly alone that week. God revealed so much to me but it was also draining in the sense of this is really my life right now. The power of God was so heavy on me but my issues and hurts seemed just as heavy. I also had to preach that Sunday, so I just wasn't talking to anyone for real. I realized that I really had no close, best friends any more even though that was a desire on my heart (all of my friends will look twice at this; I'm not saying we are not friends. I am just saying I don't have any mutual best friend relationships where we are super close and super tight). I also realized that the lie I was telling myself of being just friends with Guy B is a lie because men and women can't be friends. Therefore, I couldn't justify starting to reach out to him again because during this time I felt lonely and had no one else to understand me. I just continuously prayed "Lord, your will be done. Who ever is suppose to be here, whatever I am suppose to have, I don't want it unless it is what you want." So Sunday, I preached. It wasn't as groundbreaking a moment as one may think; the whole time I was like, I should have told Guy B so he could be present. But I quickly knocked down that lie, and remembered what Christ told me about a man pursuing me. The Lord also revealed a piece of my purpose to me (I don't know if it's a piece or if I am not really ready to accept the full scope of my purpose). So Monday morning, I wake up. Feeling easier in my spirit, and truly submitted to Christ. I get to work, and I am grinding because it was one of the busiest days I had in a long time. During my lunch break, I go to Facebook to check out if I have any communication from anyone (I took Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram of my phone a month ago because the Lord instructed me to grow closer to him and that everything I have, even my phone, had to give him glory. Sounds crazy but that's what he told me). I wanted to go to Guy B's page but I stopped myself. And I said no I don't want to be that girl again. But the Lord said "Go, I want to show you something. Really pay attention." So I go on his page and I saw that he isn't as busy as he says. While I am home praying, hoping, wishing, and waiting, he has been out with the same woman twice. Now I don't know anything about the relationship to assume what it really is (because nothing is as it seems). But what really hit me was that it wasn't me. Even though he said he was so busy and had so much going on, he was making time to do what he wanted to do but none of that included at least even contacting me to see if I'm breathing. Then it clicked: He was never my Adam.

Guy A and Guy B were never my Adam, the man that God has chosen to be my husband. If I am only suppose to be one and tie souls with my future husband, I had no business ever getting attached to these men emotionally as if I had ownership over them. With Guy A, I failed that test misrerably and I wasted years of my life. Guy B, I felt like the Lord took me through this situation again so that I can adequately evaluate the decisions I make and the predicaments that allow myself to get into. I am not going to fail this test, I will pass this test. I am going to let him go. I am going to move on. I am going pray for him if he stumbles into my head or heart. I am not going to be shady if I see him; I am going to treat him with brotherly, Christian love. I am not going to stalk his social media profiles and I am not going to be consumed with thoughts of what if. I am not going to annihilate his character. He is still a hardworking, God-fearing, good, patient man. HE JUST AIN'T MY MAN. I am going to walk in my purpose and wait for God to send his best my way.

I am only sharing this now because I don't care about how people view me or my past. As long as I know that what I am saying is freeing someone else, I will share my experiences. Young, precious, beautiful, and awesome women, we have to stop allowing ourselves to be controlled by our emotions. If we trust God with our hearts, futures, and desires, worry, desperation, loneliness, and discontentment won't creep into our hearts. We have to stop tying ourselves emotionally to men, friends, material things, our past, money, our family issues, addictions, and anything else we use to fill voids. Christ wants to fill our voids. He wants to consume our hearts and thoughts. Let the Lord pour His grace and love on you and let Him fill you. I am determined to listen to God, submit, and follow Him. Let the Lord lead you out of the emotional wreckage you created. PASS THE TEST THIS TIME. I love you girl. We have to remind each other we are beautifully and wonderfully made. SMOOCHES XOXO